Burning up
by Nesstiuviel664
Summary: Katniss tries to end her life after going back to Twelve when the rebellion was finished. Haymitch struggles with giving her a reason to stay while battling his own demons.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Hi guys, this is my first fic so I was hoping you could leave a review after you read, critisism is always welcome of course. I also wanted to warn you that I'm not a native english-speaker and I don't have a beta yet. I've reread several times to fix any mistakes but I thought you should know in case I missed anything.

**Warnings**: This chapter contains mentions of suicide attempt, I don't think I was excesively graphic but I don't like downplaying a horrible situation like that. So let me know what you think, too much? Too little? Let me know!

All that said, enjoy!

"Guess who else isn't coming, Sweetheart."

I snort. "No one will come, right? We're all that's left." I couldn't really blame Peeta being how he is now, though I did resent deep down to be left behind. As for Gale, we weren't on the best of terms right now, to tell the truth I felt relieved I didn't have to deal with him.

"Some family I've got" I mutter thinking of my mother, who is too busy dealing with herself to take care of her own daughter. Her only daughter left. I shut my eyes tight and begin rocking slightly at the thought. Prim is dead, I killed her, just as much if not more than Gale did.

I feel something pressed into my hand and when I look down I discover it's a bottle. "The pain never goes away, but this helps to numb it" I look into Haymitch's eyes, so similar to my own I realize now. Not because of the gray color but because of the haunted look they have. We've both seen too much violence and felt too much pain and despair to ever be whole again. I tilt my head back and drink as much as I can in one gulp, which is nothing compared with what Haymitch drinks.

"Do you think it will get better with time now that we don't have to go back again and again?" I ask with a small broken voice that makes me hate myself even more than I do. I used to sound so strong and sure before. "I don't know Kitten" he answers "I don't know." We don't say anything for the rest of the trip, Haymitch drinks and I stare blankly out the window, not really taking anything in but the pain in my heart.

We arrive at District 12 a while later and I follow Haymitch blankly, he drops me off at my house and I sit by the fire. Somewhere at the back of my mind I hear him linger at the front door and mumble something about not being able to do this and getting help but I don't really pay attention to anything but the fire. Everything in my life was so messed up by it. The girl on fire, what a joke. I wasn't the girl on fire, I was the burning girl and I consumed anything that crossed my path. I close my eyes and fight the knot in my throat and the tears in my eyes, I will keep consuming everyone who cares for me and right now the only one left is Haymitch. It's a wonder he hasn't burnt already with how much he drinks really, one would think he'd blaze easily.

A few hours later I hear Greasy Sae but I'm determined not to acknowledge her or anyone else, I don't want them to die too. There are too many dead already. She busies herself around the house, trying to get me to eat to no avail and eventually leaves. I get up from the chair only to relieve myself in the bathroom and drink water from the sink. I've decided I will starve to death but after my first games I could never let myself die from dehydration. I know this will only make my suffering longer but I don't care, I deserve to suffer anyway.

A few weeks go by like this, Greasy Sae has tried anything to get some food in me, from pleading to threatening with calling Haymitch, she even tried to force me to eat but after I pressed a knife I kept next to me to her throat she never forced me again. She didn't come back to the house for that matter.

I wonder why Haymitch hasn't been around but I guess he realized he was better off without me. It didn't matter much anyway; I didn't have a lot of time left. Every day it got harder to move the few steps to the toilet, I could feel my muscles wasting away leaving me looking like a bag of bones. A charred bag of bones at that with all the burnt skin patches. I found it very fitting.

A murmur brought me out of my daze; I've found myself slipping in and out of consciousness lately. When I focus myself a bit more I realize it was not a murmur but screaming that brought me back. I try to focus on Haymitch's face and make out his words through my dizziness.

"…come back dammit! I can't go back to being alone now, not after you've stuck around for so long!" I stir at the sight of Haymitch's tears in front of me, even after all we've been through I don't think I've ever seen him cry. "Please sweetheart, you can't die on me too." He adds in a softer voice. And then it hits me, he's just like me, everyone he loves is taken from him too so maybe we can be together without destroying each other for a change. I smile. Worst case scenario we both die and finally get some peace.

I lift my hand with some difficulty and touch his cheek. The sad and hopeful look he has when he lifts his face is heartbraking, I never thought Haymitch would miss me so much if I was gone. "Sweetheart? Can you hear me? Will you eat some food, for me? I won't leave you again, ok Kitten? I promise, I'll even stay sober if you want." I smile at this and nod my head a little "you get cranky when you're sober" I try to say, but it sounds more like croak than anything else. I don't think Haymitch cares though, he looks ecstatic that I agreed to eat some food.

"Grasy Sae said that you should eat this if I could convince you" He hands me a plate with some sort of soup that looks more water than anything else. "She said to build you up slowly and make you eat heavier time with time. She agreed to cook for us in my house but after the knife she won't come anywhere here Sweetheart, I'm sorry" I shrug a bit and that's all I have strength to do right now. I try to take a spoonful of soup but I end up making a mess on the floor. Haymitch smirks and takes the spoon from me "I guess I'll have to do this for a while sweetheart. Might as well enjoy having you at my mercy before you go back to being a pain in the ass." I glare halfheartedly and open my mouth for the spoon, I know he didn't mean that but I had a reputation to uphold. After eating half the soup I realized I could take no more, so much to my consternation Haymitch carried me upstairs like some damn princess and put me to bed, muttering all the while about girls who should weight more than an empty bottle.

I close my eyes and fall instantly asleep. I don't have any dreams that night.


	2. Chapter 2

The next few weeks were living hell.

Everything hurt, I had horrible stomach cramps when I ate, my stomach looked like a balloon half the time and I was irritable as hell. Haymitch put up with me the best he could and even tried to go easy on the drinking for my sake after I nearly ended the job at offing myself when I tried to steal some of his vodka but we stilled ended up in horrible shouting matches most of the time. I felt bad for him, having to stop drinking because of me but I still felt alcohol in his breath sometimes so at least he wasn't stone cold sober. I think he snuck off to his house when I was sleeping. It didn't last long though, after he started going back to his house at night the nightmares came back for both of us.

One night when he came into my room to wish me goodnight I asked him to stay. "Ok Kitten, I'll come back soon. I'll sleep in the bedroom next door tonight, I just need a drink and I'll be right back." He looked tired I realized, taking care of me wasn't easy even if Greasy Sae had finally agreed to help us out once in a while. Haymitch didn't say anything but I could tell he was relieved to have her around.

I went to sleep that night thinking that Haymitch wasn't so bad after all and maybe, _maybe_, it was worth a shot staying alive, even if all it did was prevent Haymitch from having that sad look in his eyes again.

….

I woke up frantic with fear. My heart was trying to escape my body through my mouth and I checked every corner in the room for unseen enemies. I had a nightmare about me catching fire and burning everyone that came close to me. Peeta was there and Gale too, they didn't approach me though, they were smart. Haymitch however was always a drunken idiot and tried to get to me no matter what. The dream ended with the flesh melting right off his bones as he burned on the ground.

I had to see him, I had to check on him and se he was all right. I didn't care if it was stupid, I would not fall asleep otherwise. I got out of the bed as quickly as I could and took a few steps but my legs were still too weak and I feel down with a loud noise. Haymitch was on my side in a second, he kept swearing and asking if I was ok but all I could do was stare at him and feel relieved that he was safe and sound.

I felt myself being picked up and placed on the bed. "Now don't go around doing anything stupid Kitten, why did you try to get up anyways?" He asked, a worried frown on his face. I'd never been so glad to feel his alcoholic breath in all the time I knew him.

"I had a nightmare, you died. I wanted to see if you were fine." I said, and it even sounded stupid to my own ears, but Haymitch didn't laugh like I expected.

"I'm fine sweetheart, you can see that. Now try to get some sleep, ok?" He turned to leave but paused immediately when he felt my hand on his arm.

"Stay" I begged. His eyes had a very intense look about them when he turned to see me. Haymitch stood still for a few moments studying my face and finally nodded once. I breathed out and only then did I realize I was holding my breath waiting for his decision. I moved to make room for him on the bed and we both fell asleep within moments, not touching but still more at ease feeling the living presence on the other side of the bed.

…

The next morning I woke up and found the other side of bed cold and empty. I had expected that and was a bit relieved even. I didn't know how to deal with finding Haymitch in my bed in broad daylight frankly. I sit up the best I could with my feeble strength and listened for noise in the house. The swearing that came from what I assumed was the kitchen and the noise of pots and pans falling made the corners of my mouth twitch, Haymitch couldn't cook to save his life. It was kind of sweet that he tried to cook for us.

He entered the room with a sheepish smile a moment later with a bowl of soup. "Sorry to wake you Kitten, I was heating this up. You better eat it all or else…" He raised his eyebrows as if he was really threatening me but his mischievous smile betrayed him. When had I started reading him so well and why had I never realized how expressive his eyes were? I clearly needed to get out more.

I ate my soup, glad that it didn't make my stomach hurt anymore and tried to stand up. "Bathroom." I said simply, I was able to walk around a little bit now as long as I didn't rush and had something to hold on to so Haymitch stood aside and watched me walk leaning on the wall in case I fell down or needed any help. I never stopped being surprised at how good Haymitch turned out to be at taking care of a sick person. It seemed he only needed that kind of purpose to slowly ease on his drinking and pull himself together. The fact that there wasn't a constant death threat for anyone he dared to care for probably helped too.

When I came out of the bathroom he was sitting on the bed. "Ready to try the stairs again?" He asked. I had tried to go down on my own a few days after he convinced me not to die and it had _not_ gone well. It made it all worse that Haymitch had said I wasn't ready, which of course made me more determined and when I fell down he not only caught me but had the nerve to tell me 'told you' while he had me in his damn hold again. I wasn't comfortable with being touched or relying on people, and I hated that I had ended up doing both things so much with him lately.

"Come on, it'll be fun." He added when he saw my dubious face. "I'll even get to carry you again if you fall" He added, waggling his eyebrows. I huffed and starting slowly walking to the stairs but I couldn't help my smile. Haymitch was always making jokes like that lately, he was probably trying to make me feel better about the mess that my body was. I was full of burn scars, my bones still poked out of my body; I was a total mess, like anyone would want me like that. "Shut up." I said "You'll never carry me like that again."

"We'll see Kitten, we'll see." I stopped to look at him. He looked odd. He didn't have his usual teasing look but this wasn't plain serious Haymitch. If I hadn't known better I would've thought he looked determined. But that was ridiculous. I was hideous to look at and Haymitch's libido had probably died years ago at the bottom of a bottle so why would he want to carry me anywhere? He just wanted me to feel uncomfortable because of his sick sense of humor, that's all.

The descend of the stairs went fairly well, with me only tripping once. It did take forever though, and by the time I was done I was exhausted. It was only my stubbornness that made me drag myself to the couch instead of letting Haymitch carry me, but I was filled with pride when I made it without falling. My reward was a meal that was slightly more food than water. Slightly. That thing looked completely disgusting to me. Haymitch laughed his ass off at the face I made when I saw the bowl and I glared at him until he shut up. I ate the horrible thing anyways; I wanted my strength back so I could go to the woods again. I missed them, and I was sick of being inside with Haymitch too, I needed alone time.

The day went fairly normal, at least as normal as it can get with two Hunger Games survivors in the same house. When it was time to go to bed Haymitch hesitated only slightly before getting in bed with me. I'd never admit it out loud but I was slightly relieved. I felt safer with Haymitch by my side.

**A/N: **Hi guys, I just wanted to say a few words about Haymitch's nicknames for Katniss in case anyone found it weird I changed it. The way I see it, Haymitch called her Sweetheart in the beginning in a sarcastic way. I don't think though that he'd keep indefinately calling her that once they become closer and that's why I changed what he calls her. Sweetheart will come up though, force of habit and all that :)


End file.
